Loving an Addict: Holding On While Letting Go
Loving someone who struggles with addiction is like living in a storm that never passes. Some days are calm. Some are chaotic. And no matter how tightly you try to hold everything together, it always feels like you're losing control.
The Chaos of Addiction Isn’t Just Theirs — It Becomes Yours
When you love an addict — whether it’s a partner, child, sibling, or friend — you are pulled into a world of instability, broken promises, sleepless nights, and emotional whiplash.
You may find yourself constantly:
- Walking on eggshells to avoid triggering a spiral
- Cancelling plans, missing work, or covering for them
- Checking their location, searching for signs, praying they’re safe
- Offering support… then tough love… then support again
This cycle leads to deep emotional burnout, a feeling of powerlessness, and sometimes, losing yourself completely in the process.
The Book That Changed Everything: If You Loved Me, You’d Stop
One of the most powerful tools in my own healing was the book If You Loved Me, You’d Stop by Lisa Frederiksen. It opened my eyes to something critical:
Alcoholism is a brain disease.
This isn’t about willpower, character, or love — it’s about neurochemistry. Drinking at an early age disrupts the development of the executive function, which governs decision-making, impulse control, emotional regulation, and future thinking.
When someone starts drinking in adolescence, their ability to reason, plan, and cope becomes impaired — sometimes permanently. Understanding this helped me move from anger and blame… to clarity and acceptance.
But acceptance doesn’t mean enabling.
The Hardest Truth: You Can’t Save Them
You can support them. You can love them. You can hope, encourage, and offer every resource available — but you cannot do the work of recovery for them.
That realization often leads to grief. Because you’re not just losing who they are today — you’re grieving the future you dreamed of, the person they used to be, or could have become.
So How Do You Cope When You Love an Addict?
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Take Care of Yourself First
- You can’t pour from an empty cup.
- Get therapy. Join a support group like Al-Anon. Find healthy outlets.
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Remove Yourself from Toxic Situations
- If their behavior is harming your physical or mental health, you are allowed to walk away.
- Loving someone doesn’t mean tolerating abuse, manipulation, or chaos.
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Set Boundaries — and Stick to Them
- This is the single most important tool.
- Every time you allow an addict to push your boundary, you’re teaching them where the new line is.
- Next time, they’ll start from there… and keep pushing.
- Boundaries are not punishments — they are acts of love and self-respect.
You’re Not Alone
If you’re in this space, reading this now — take a deep breath. You are not alone, and you are not crazy. You’re just someone who loves deeply, and who’s been caught in something bigger than you.
Healing starts with you.
Need help building boundaries or finding support resources?
At Addiction Treatment Consultants, we help families navigate this painful process with compassion and guidance.
You can love someone and still choose peace. Let us help you get there.
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